


he don’t care for me (but he cares for me and that’s good enough)

by commedesgarcons (theweekend)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 09:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8974774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweekend/pseuds/commedesgarcons
Summary: Viktor seems to be always out of reach for Yuuri.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [empty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3510659) by [eggseoks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggseoks/pseuds/eggseoks). 



_Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals._

 

**I.**

Yuuri wakes to a bed of crimson-colored carnations surrounding him, not noticing the faint, uncomfortable pain lingering in his chest. He has been dreaming about holding onto someone’s hand as they skate together in Ice Castle, the ice-skating rink he has been trained in ever since he was a little child. They had smiled at him in his dreams as they continued to hold his hand, roaming through the empty space the rink has to offer. The smile they had given feels strangely familiar to him, yet he could not pinpoint who its owner is no matter how hard he squints.

He is definitely up and ready to go to practice with Viktor until he takes a quick glance at the arrangement of blood red carnations that rests on his bed. _It is here._ The tsunami-like urge to vomit comes to Yuuri in a rush, causing the twenty-three years old to make a run towards the bathroom. Falling on his knees and uncontrollably puking petals of the very same carnations, Yuuri attempts to place an end to it all by covering the surge of petals that resides within his throat with his hand and swallowing it. His scrawny pair of lungs and heart would not survive it, he knows for certain. If the vital organs in his body cannot survive, how could the rest of his body? And to think that, he has only a few days to bear it all before breathing his last breath.

Surgery _is_ an option, Yuuri muses to himself. However, he would have no recollection of what he went through with Viktor if he chooses to undergo the surgery. Yuuri would not know how to cope and move on in a world without knowing what is it like to know Viktor Nikiforov. It would not work. Losing the part that treasures Viktor to the end of time in him is closer to losing his entire being. Even though they recently had the opportunity to actually interact, Viktor has been a large part of Yuuri’s life whether it be in his teenage years or in his adult years. After all, it is Viktor’s work that inspired the naive Yuuri into the realm of ice skating. To lose that spark that Viktor has given him through his programs is to give Yuuri no motivation in his own figure skating capabilities.

The feelings Yuuri harbors for Viktor transcends the pain of the carnation vines’ constriction of his heart, the searing embarrassment that he goes through for every mistake he makes out in the rink, and the most important of all, the realization that Viktor will not love him back. He tells himself that it is going to be okay. It is going to be okay if he dies. It is going to be okay if he withers away as Viktor remains unaware. It is going to be okay if his mistakes are not reflections of Viktor’s skills. Thus, he gathers the excess petals of carnations and pours them down to the toilet before quickly flushing it, not looking back once. Viktor does not have to know.

 

✧

 

Yuuri wakes up to wanting to practicing head-on in Ice Castle. Or at least, he tries to.

The swift pace of the routine that Viktor had choreographed for him does nothing but throw the Japanese figure skater off as he lands flat on his stomach from an attempt of doing his coach’s hallmark in jumps, the quadruple flip. When he finishes the last jump of his free program for today’s practice, Yuuri’s paced out breaths transition into quick, staccato-like ones from sheer exhaustion. It is a sign, the twenty-three years old notes while his heart manages to beat despite the gradual, agonizing binding of the carnation vines and its unpleasant effect on his body. Yuuri bites his lips, breathing in heavily while the urge to vomit the flower petals recurs like a haunting nightmare. He cannot falter, Yuuri convinces himself at the frown that Viktor recently made from that fall, especially not in front of Viktor.

Viktor manages to sense Yuuri’s fatigue and even questions it during one of their regular breaks from practice. Although Viktor has been not the best coach with his inexperience and lack of knowledge on how to handle mental breakdowns, he is capable of seeing through Yuuri’s fatigue, prompting him to ask, “What’s going on with you, today?”

The Japanese figure skater replies hoarsely with, “Nothing. I’m just worried about things.” It is best if he does not make any mentions regarding his health right now, Yuuri thinks while sighing.

“What sort of things?” The curiosity in Viktor’s tone is evident as he scratches his head. Yuuri struggles to find a proper response that would not rouse any suspicion about his conditions of having Hanahaki. As of right now, all Yuuri wants to do now is shout his love for Viktor to those who are willing to hear rather than keeping all of his emotions in. He digs at his pants, fingernails sinking into his flesh to numb the pain of the flowers. The pain is not as bad as losing Viktor, Yuuri calms himself with such thoughts.

“Things like if you’re going to remember me.” Yuuri’s voice wavers for a second, reminiscing how Yuri Plisetsky had barged into Ice Castle and told his coach to come back to fulfill his promise if the younger wins gold in the Junior World Championships. Yuri is still his rival in the world of figure skating competitions, yet there is no animosity between them. They had bonded over the Rostelecom Cup over Yuri’s grandpa’s combination of Russian and Japanese cuisine compiled on one meal and Viktor, in a way.

Viktor chuckles, “Of course, you’re the katsudon in a land full of borscht, Yuuri. It’s impossible to not remember you.” Yuuri nods silently in shock, not expecting that for an answer.

“Until I die, Vitya?” Yuuri’s voice cracks slightly at “die.” Yuuri only use the diminutive of Viktor’s name when he is desperate for an absolute answer, one that only Viktor could answer. The twenty-seven years old looks bewildered for once in his life, unable to respond with one of his public-friendly quirks 

“Always.” Viktor holds out his pinky finger, waiting for Yuuri’s finger to meet him halfway. Yuuri’s pinky finds its way to Viktor’s, curling it tightly as they look at each other. Yuuri feels adequate for now as if Viktor’s touch is the only thing that could soothe the worry that is in his stomach. He knows that his coach could never harbor the very same feelings that he has for him. He knows that he had the privilege of knowing Viktor and spending time (even if it’s the smallest amount of time) with him is already an honor on his part. He knows that it is hopeless to dream of him being good enough for Viktor━the flowers that blossoms in him are the living proof of that, draining him of his very own joy.

After stepping into the small group dinner’s room, Viktor, being the social butterfly that he is, ventures off and situates himself next to Christophe Giacometti, Switzerland’s national pride when it comes to figure skating. In the competitive figure skating world, Chris is often associated with his sensual moves and risqué music choices when he performs his programs for competitions. Of course, with Viktor’s reputation preceding him as a player, it is a given that Chris and Viktor would get along quite well. Why _wouldn’t_ Viktor hang out with Chris?

Yuuri chokes at the sight of Viktor being close to Chris, but sits next to Phichit and discusses about how his plans for the next season would include. _I wouldn’t make it here next week, why would I bother discussing about next season?_ The Thai figure skater elaborates on his next move for the upcoming season, which involves him breaking the news to Coach Celestino that he will choreograph his own free program after seeing Yuuri’s self-choreographed free program. Needless to say, the Japanese figure skater feels overwhelmed and stunned all at once at his close friend’s declaration, focusing to eat now. The burn that lies in his throat soothes at the prospect of at least one person who will miss him following his contraction of Hanahaki.

Then, the burst of flower petals hit him like a dozen of violent, vengeful waves projected at him. Yuuri immediately excuses himself from the group, citing that he has a stomach ache from eating one too many katsudon bowls. When the Japanese figure skater reaches the bathroom, he warily becomes more aware of the increasing amount of petals he coughs out and scoops them up into a pile in the toilet, flushing it once more. Still in the bathroom stall, he counts on his fingers the number of days he has left in the world before he has to part ways with his coach and everyone else; _one, two, three, and four_.

One can make the best out of four days, can’t they? Yuri certainly hopes so.

 

✧

 

Yuri wakes up to living a lie to everyone, including Viktor and Yuri.

The facade that Yuuri constructed lasts a day, or two as Yuri Plisetsky breaks it without a blink. The Japanese figure skater is not surprised though. With his fierce and headstrong personality, Yuri embodies the spirit of a tiger, eager to prowl on its enemies and assert its dominance over all at a terribly young age. Yuri’s only at the age of fifteen when he won the Grand Prix Final, being the first one to consecutively win his Junior World Championship _and_ win on his debut Grand Prix Final. Yuuri does not mind having him as a competitor strangely as the younger shares an interesting dynamic with him, showing his appreciation for the elder in an odd way. So, it is no surprise when Yuuri wakes up to stomping footsteps and numerous taps on his door, courtesy of Yuri Plisetsky.

Yuuri opens the door, allowing Yuri to enter before shutting it closed instantly. _Viktor cannot know, Viktor cannot know, Viktor cannot know._ Yuuri chants the notion in his mind, begging for Yuri to spare him from the pain that Viktor would endure from the realization that his student has Hanahaki because of him. Yuri’s fists are clenched tightly, not willing to open them until Yuri prompts to ask of why he is in his room in such a mood. The Russian fifteen years old looks drained and resigned in Yuuri’s eyes, the bags that accompany his eyes are dark shades of purple and his blue-green eyes watery.

“Tell me that it’s not what I think it is, Yuuri,” Yuri’s voice is hesitant as he unclenches his fist, revealing the petals he has found in the bathroom. His hand remains shaky from simply holding those dainty petals. Droplets of tears stream down the younger’s face, unwilling to accept the truth behind why those carnation petals exist.  

Yuuri, at a loss of words, could only nod at Yuri’s hanging question. The nod is all that it takes for Yuri to break down, reducing the self-willed boy into a sobbing mess. Yuri drops to the floor as he sobs and weeps, even holding onto Yuuri’s leg. The shock is apparent on Yuuri’s face as he becomes the sole witness to Yuri’s inability to let go, Yuri’s inability to accept Yuuri’s condition, and Yuri’s inability to move on. Yuri Plisetsky is falling apart in front of him.

“You can’t mean it, Yuuri. I need you.” Yuri wails noisily, not wanting to hear anymore from his rival. The unfiltered pain from Yuri’s sobs causes the elder to sink to the floor, holding him tightly. Yuri cannot fall apart, Yuuri thinks while hugging Yuri close to him. Unlike him, Yuri has so much to live for. So much more confidence, so much more pride, and so much more love. By having Yuri in his life, Yuuri has changed from a weak, bewildered boy to the person that he is now and now, he is so _damn_ thankful.

When Yuri could finally control himself from his tears and sobs, he goes straight for the only question left on his mind, “D-D-Did you think about having the operation yet?” There has to be a solution to Yuuri’s decline. Yuri cannot watch Yuuri die━no, no, he will not allow it. Yuri has grown attached to him whether he is aware of it or not, handing him food and teaching the elder how to do the quadruple Salchow when Viktor is not watching.

“Yes, and I won’t do it.” Yuuri replies, leaving Yuri to feel visibly shaken at his friend’s response. The boy seems unnerved at Yuuri’s answer, but does not press him on what brought him to make such a foolish decision on his part.

“Why?” is the only thing that Yuri utters out loud, unable to comprehend why Yuuri would not accept the surgery. Tears are still evident on Yuri’s pale cheeks, making the fifteen years old even more frail and worn out from the discovery of Yuuri’s condition. Yuri is not the only one whose physical appearance worsen after finding out what is going with Yuuri as the latter’s skin is pale and his breaths haggard from the flora that is in him.

Yuuri chokes on the thought of undergoing the surgery and forgetting about how Viktor changed him in so many different ways, “Because of him.” Yuri’s eyes widen in response, biting his lips and breathing heavily. He knows, Yuuri thinks as he watches Yuri’s head shake in denial. Is his feelings for Viktor really _that_ obvious? If they are, then why can’t Viktor see? Questions after questions fill Yuuri’s mind as he doubts himself.

“I’m only giving you two days.” Yuri’s voice takes a shift from drained to determined, looking at Yuuri head-on with those blue-green eyes. It seems that Yuri already made his decision, even proclaiming “I won’t let you die under my watch.”

 

✧

 

Yuri wakes up to an aching heart.

The carnation vines that wraps around Yuuri’s heart and lungs gradually tightens as the days progresses, especially on the day in which he sees Chris and Viktor coming home together. The sight of Viktor being drunk is always an amusing one; yet when it is accompanied with Chris, there is a piercing agony that rests within Yuuri. Of course, he bears no ill will on his fellow rival as Chris is often friendly with him as well as being incredibly touchy with him. Yuuri guesses that is where Viktor and Chris share similarities as they are both attractive, flirtatious, and touchy with just about anyone. Yuuri ceases his train of thoughts regarding Viktor’s relationship with Chris when the Russian steps into the hallway and is visibly drunk.

Yuuri rushes to his side, leading his coach to the room that his family made for his stay in Hasetsu. The five-time world champion for men’s figure skating persists on his incomprehensible babbles while Yuuri struggles to move him through the corridors of his family’s wooden humble abode. Having Viktor as a coach does not necessarily guarantee his impending gold medalist status; however, it does guarantee witnessing Viktor in various different lights as Yuuri grew up idolizing Viktor, copying his jumps and spins at Ice Castle and had no idea of what Viktor was really like. Yuuri bears the privilege to witness Viktor’s tears, Viktor’s anger, Viktor’s happiness, and all sorts of Viktor’s emotions. He prides himself in being allowed to see Viktor in such a manner, thanking his lucky stars for letting him interact with Viktor beyond being in the Grand Prix Final with him.

When Viktor finally reaches his bed, Yuuri is out of breath and feels strange at the lack of pain that should be apparent in his chest. Somehow, the carnation vines are loosening up by some miracle, judging by his heartbeats and the pace that it is going. He gasps in confusion, clutching the soft fabric of his t-shirt at how his heart is beating steadily without the disruption of the vines. Viktor begins to whimper inaudibly against his dog, Makkachin on the bed. The sight of Viktor snuggling against Makkachin warms Yuuri, causing him to smile brightly with joy. What would he give to see this sight once more?

As Yuuri shifts away from Viktor and his dog to go back to his room, he hears a sole mention of “Chris” from Viktor’s mouth. The ache in his heart resumes its torture on him as Yuuri’s mouth becomes hoarse and teardrops are threatening to spill from his eyes at any second. Yuuri is not surprised as Viktor’s heart belongs to Chris━why wouldn’t he choose Chris over him? The carnation vines return its former positions, securing its grip on Yuuri even more aggressive compared to its rein on his lungs and heart in the past. It hurts, but it does not hurt as much as hearing Chris’s name being uttered by his coach. Yuuri feels that he could handle anything, even death by the hands of Hanahaki if he survived through the worst━his coach’s love for another that is not him.

So, Yuuri leaves in a haste, not looking back to hear the coughs of daffodils coming from Viktor.


	2. Chapter 2

**II.**

Yuuri wakes up to chaos in the air. Shouts and yells are heard in Viktor’s room as well as moans. What is going on? Is Makkachin okay? Is there something wrong? Shuffling out of his blanket, Yuuri anxiously moves steadily towards Viktor’s room, wondering what commotion he has woken up to. By the time he makes it to Viktor’s room, Yuri is already inside alongside with Yakov, his and Viktor’s coach and doctors who appears to be dispatched from Tokyo. In their white uniforms, doctors are already hooking Viktor up in an IV as if they are preparing him for surgery in his own room. All Yuuri could do is gasp from sheer hysteria, confused as to how his coach even contracted Hanahaki when━

“It’s Chris.” Yuuri realizes, tears already visible in his eyes. Of course, why wouldn’t it be Chris? He has all of the things that Viktor would want in a lover; looks, confidence, talent, and humor. Why would Viktor be interested in someone like _him_? Yuuri is only his pupil, a talentless figure skater who has no place in a world that Viktor lives in. He barely made it in last year’s Grand Prix Final, hanging onto Michele’s faults in order to make sure that he has a spot in the finals. What gives him the opportunity to be deserving of Viktor’s love? The agony that the carnation vines has on him has nothing on the pain of knowing that Viktor loves Chris. Yuuri lets out a sigh in defeat, giving up on all hopes.

Yuri presses his lips in a tight line, helpless at the sight of both of his friends and rivals hurting. He stomps away from Viktor’s side and moves close to Yuuri, holding his hands tightly as if he is trying to say “You got me, Katsuki Yuuri. You got me.” Out of all people, Yuuri could never imagine that Yuri Plisetsky, the teenager who told him to retire in his first Grand Prix Final would be here, holding his hands and reassuring him that he would be okay whether it be with Viktor or without Viktor.

“What’s going to happen with him?” Yuuri asks as he moves to Viktor’s side, looking at Yakov for an explanation for all of this. He would never be able to forget the sight of Viktor sick and pale with love for someone else, even getting close to death because of it. What an idiot he is for thinking that he is worth Viktor’s time and energy.

“He needs the surgery. He won’t even make preliminaries for Russian Nationals if he doesn’t.” Yakov states with urgency, his eyes upon Viktor’s sickly, slender body lying on the bedside. According to Yakov, the twenty-seven years old Russian champion has woke up to daffodils surrounding him. Much to Yuuri's surprise, he has begun coughing them after Yuuri sent him off to bed. Daffodils.

Yuuri’s breath falter at the realization that the sounds that he heard after leaving Viktor off to sleep are actually Viktor’s coughing of daffodils. After all of these times, he never even stood a single chance for Viktor’s love for Chris. How silly of him. How stupid of him, he thinks to himself as Viktor coughs even more. There are more daffodils, many of them disarrayed into one messy pile in the corner. Makkachin has been staring at them curiously, not knowing how to react.

“I-I don’t want to.” Viktor begins to protest, but ends up expelling more daffodils in front of everyone, “I don’t want to. I don’t want to forget what it is like to have Chris in my life.” By the mention of Chris’s name, the Swiss figure skater marches towards him, promising that he will be there for him. It appears that Viktor would undergo the surgery whether he wants it or not.

At least, someone’s love is being reciprocated, Yuuri smiles sadly. Chris and Viktor would be better off without him, loving each other without someone intruding them. Yuri would be better off without his constant questions regarding Viktor and jumps. His absence would not make much of a difference, he thinks.

Yuuri’s breathing takes a sharp turn as he chokes, needing air to breathe from the strained grip the carnation vines has on his lungs and heart. He could feel his eyelids closing and his breaths progressing into shorter ones; he is getting closer to it. Yuri rushes towards him, holding him together when he is falling apart. Yuuri places one hand in front of Yuri, shaking his head. He feels defeated, worn out, and drained from all of today’s events. He needs somewhere to relax, somewhere to feel at peace with himself. And so, Yuuri excuses himself from Viktor’s room, claiming that he too is feeling under the weather and needs some time to rest.

Before he could fully exit the room, Yuri places a hand on his shoulder, “I can’t lose you.” Yuuri turns around, hugging the fifteen years old and patting him on the back. He is appreciative of how far Yuri had pushed him, how Yuri taught him so many things in the world, and how Yuri managed to be determined and push himself and others to do better.

Yuuri simply responds as he smiles through his unshed tears, “You won’t.”

 

✧

 

In his sleep, Yuuri dreams of skating. He dreams of skating with Viktor. He dreams of skating Viktor’s “Stay Close to Me” with Viktor in front of thousands upon thousands. The warmth of the hands that held onto his in the ice rink belongs to someone familiar. Oh, so it is Viktor who holds onto his hands and tenderly dances with him in Ice Castle. It is Viktor who continues to share jokes and motivate Yuuri to prevail. It is Viktor who tells him that he has to fight and not stay in warm-up mode during the competitions. It is Viktor who convinces him that he is capable and worthy to be loved. It is Viktor who has more faith in Yuuri winning than himself. His memories of the dream floods back; everything is Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, and Viktor. And in that moment, all Yuuri could do is hold onto him.

In mere moments later, Yuuri’s grip falters, losing sight of Viktor’s figure as he departs away from him. Viktor has let go of him. He is not good enough. The anguish of being rejected by Viktor is familiar to him as he looks at Viktor rushing to meet Chris halfway. The pair comes back to him, making faces and pointing at how dare he thought about being close to Viktor’s standards and how he would never be capable of such things. Viktor even says it to his face, “Did you really think that you can skate with me when I have Chris by my side?” Expressions of disdain are all imprinted on their faces, causing Yuuri to have the urge to curl into a ball and never look back.

All Yuuri could think of is this particular conversation he had with Viktor. For some, the topic of the conversation is considered to be the important piece of information while others are under the impression that the details that are being exchanged are the important fragments. Yuuri belongs to the second group, delving into the small remnants of his small conversation to remind himself that he had the privilege of meeting Viktor Nikiforov.

They were at a cafe━perhaps it was in Hasetsu, logistics do not matter in Yuuri’s eyes. However, what did matter was the fact that they were looking for inspiration for Yuuri’s theme for this season. Viktor brought along a list of topics that could serve as potential inspiration for Yuuri to think about. One did stand out among the rest: love. Viktor’s love life was━still is, a media frenzy to this day as publications and newspapers pinpoint who is the latest love interest in the world’s most eligible bachelor. While Viktor’s love life could be written into a whole book and sold to the world, Yuuri’s love life is nearing nonexistence.

“Have you ever fallen in love, Yuuri?” Viktor had asked, smirking at the Japanese athlete’s flustered response. They had just met back then with Yuuri baffled at why Viktor took a break from his professional career to become his coach out of all things.

“No, I haven’t.” Yuuri had answered shyly, scratching his head sheepishly. Yuuri’s tears flood again, wetting his pillows as he thinks back to how naive he was and how Viktor had changed him. He didn’t know what love could do, what changes it would brought to him, and how it would affect him. _Now, he does._ He knows that it hurts and it is an agony to suffer through, yet he would not change it for the world. He has no regrets of falling for Viktor Nikiforov. He has no regrets of meeting Yuri Plisetsky and crying in that goddamn bathroom stall following Vic-chan’s death. He has nothing left to give to Viktor.

The carnation vines presses itself against his heart for one last time as he squeezes his eyes shut from the pain. At least, it is the last time he has to bear such pains in his life. Viktor can have it all. The pain, the tears, the love, the affection, everything is dedicated to _him_. To Viktor.

_It is an honor to die while knowing what is it like to love you, Viktor Nikiforov._

 

✧

 

Viktor wakes up to cries and mourning. He had just got discharged from the hospital with an IV attached to him post-surgery and is considered healthy to stay in his pupil’s home in Hasetsu for the time being. Viktor’s eyes make contact with Yuri’s as the younger runs towards him with tears flooding down his face in spite. Before the fifteen years old could touch him, he is stopped by Otabek Altin, the Kazakh figure skater from doing any further damage. “It’s all of your fault that he’s dead, Viktor,” Yuri wails loudly, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Who’s dead?” Viktor asks carefully, confused at what Yuri had said. Last that he had checked, there is no one to mourn over.

It’s Otabek’s turn to speak, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “You don’t know? Katsuki Yuuri is dead from Hanahaki.” Viktor’s eyes widen in shock, teardrops threatening to fall at any second. Wasn’t Yuuri healthy just before he went off to surgery? Was his vision playing with him? Viktor starts to get out of his bed to move towards Yuuri’s room with Otabek and Yuri following him in the back.

“I can’t believe you. You didn’t even know that he loved you and now, he’s dead!” Yuri yells behind Viktor, overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. Otabek holds Yuri to him, hugging him tightly and never being able to let go properly.

When the twenty-seven years old figure skater eventually makes it to Yuuri’s room, he is greeted by mourning figures. Hiroko and her husband stands there, a complete mess at the sight of their deceased son surrounding by crimson carnations. Phichit hopelessly shakes Yuuri’s body, pleading him to _wake up and then they could go to Bangkok like Phichit had promised_ , as long as Yuuri opens his eyes. Yuuri’s elder sister, Mari sniffles her tears at bay, determined to cease crying from the scene of her baby brother surrounding in red carnations. Petals of blood-red carnations are swept all over his room while everyone else stares at its owner. There is only the obvious to state: Yuuri’s gone. Yuuri’s dead.

Viktor, unnerved at Yuuri’s motionless movements drops to his knees when he reaches the side of his pupil’s bed. He begins, “Wake up.” There is no answer from Yuuri, just pure silence. Viktor tries again, “Yuuri, I will love you if you just come back.” Once again, the reply he receives is one with silence. Viktor is not used to silence━silence does things to a person. It could cause one to re-evaluate their life decisions in their darkest times or cause one to understand what goodness they have brought into the world by simply existing in it. Viktor belongs to the first group and he knows it when he lays his eyes on Chris’s appearing figure to Yuuri’s room.

Viktor is ashamed as he finds himself begging for Yuuri to come back to him no matter what it takes. Viktor wordlessly promises to love him to every very bone he has to offer, to cherish him like he should have when the younger was still alive, and to remember him like he had promised.

Viktor softly presses his lips against Yuuri’s cold ones before placing his head against Yuuri’s chest, bawling berserkly and holding onto the deceased Japanese figure skater for dear life. Viktor does not know how to react to this news, therefore he just holds onto Yuuri. Staying close to Yuuri is all that Viktor knows. Yuuri lived a life that had a small glimpse of him in it. Yuuri loved him and Viktor loved him back without knowing it. Viktor Nikiforov had the privilege of meeting someone like Katsuki Yuuri in his life and boy, is he so grateful for it.

_This time, Yuuri does not wake up._

 

✧

 

Viktor wakes up to Yuuri’s death anniversary.

Yuri has decided to join him on this impromptu trip to visit his former rival. The both of them had brought flowers; Viktor with primroses and Yuri with chrysanthemums. Phichit had told them that he will be visiting Yuuri’s grave with the other figure skaters later on the very same day, adding that they should say hi for him in advance. Yuuri’s death led to Viktor and Yuri becoming closer, Phichit’s dedication of both of his current season’s programs in honor of Yuuri, and the likes.

When they get to Yuuri’s grave, Yuri volunteers to talk to Yuuri first and places his chrysanthemums. The sixteen years old figure skater launches on numerous tales of how he managed to beat his own record once more yet losing to Viktor for the first time, how he misses his constant quirky questions and his love for katsudon, and how his relationship with Otabek is going.

“I still miss you, piggy. I will see you soon.” Yuri says, smiling fondly at the grave before bidding goodbyes and leaving for the car. Viktor arches an eyebrow at the ending comment Yuri had made but shakes it off anyways.

Viktor squats down on the floor, touching Yuuri’s engraved name upon the headstone tenderly. He is wearing a suit for the special occasion, yet manages to ignore the dirt that will be imprinted on his Brioni tux from sitting near the dirt. “So, Yuuri,” Viktor starts off, “it’s not easy, living a life without you when you entered mine two years ago. I cried a lot ever since you left me and I know there is not enough sorry’s in the world that could express how much you mean to me. But hey, I still remember that you were once in my life. It all makes sense now. Your question about whether I will remember you… I will always remember you.”

_I told you I will remember this promise out of all of the rest._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are highly appreciated! talk to me in twitter, [@nikiforev](http://twitter.com/nikiforev). 
> 
> and merry christmas eve! i actually wrote this on a whim for no reason.


End file.
